A clean slate.
That's how it feels to write on this blog today. Don't get me wrong, I still want to share my adventures, funny stories, and wild happenings from around the globe, but Ireland changed me. There is no denying that I am a completely different person to who I was when I landed in Dublin. When you drop a whole lot of guilt, a whole lot of shame, a seven year relationship, and ten pounds give or take (from all the walking!) you pick up a lot of new insight.
I had an epiphany in Ireland. The last time I had one I think I was about ten years old and told my favorite teachers that I had one. They asked where I had heard that term and I said "well Oprah had one the other day (on her TV show)." It's a cute moment to think back on now, but I had an actual intuitive grasp of something striking just a few months ago.
Life is too short to seek validation from other people.
I have spent so long pining after the love of others. Their attention, their approval, their reciprocal display of affection and ability to care about me. I did not realize until this fall that every time I changed myself to get them to like me more, I was rejecting the true me inside. I felt that I was not changing myself overly to be like them, as I still think that I am an agreeable person. However, I felt so rejected whenever a friend told me during a sleepover "you like him?!" or "ugh, no I hate that TV show," or "that song is so dumb." Even subtle conversations and comments make for big moments inside a sensitive person's mind like mine.
Not taking things so personally is a life lesson many of us need to learn. To put it in its simplest terms; it's not always about you. Their rejection is not about you. If someone doesn't like many of the things about you, then why would you want to be friends with them anyway? Of course no one has identical thoughts to someone else, we all disagree. We should be able to encourage our friends though. If my best friend likes blue, and I like red, I would not say to her "thats such an ugly color, red is way better." In the past I might have said "well, I like purple!" But I am learning to avoid changing my verbal opinions from the true ones inside me. Someone who loves your best friend would say "thats really great! The sky is so pretty when it's blue." or "I prefer red, but I love that for you!" Get excited about your friends' successes and preferences, and most importantly find friends who enjoy your successes and preferences too.
I did not create a blog to preach holier-than-thou life lessons. But I did have a lovely professor in Dublin, Nicole (Co-Founder of Big Smoke Writing Factory) who encouraged me to share my thoughts, as she believed there were many who have felt the same way in the past or present. This ongoing process of self-validation, self-love, and self-compassion could not have begun without the encouragement and wisdom of those like Nicole, our student life manager in Dublin; Liz, and my life-changing counselor Carol.
For the longest time I was so scared to delve into my mental health and personal worries with even my closest circle. If there is one thing in this life that I believe though, it is that we all experience the same struggles to some degree. And when we choose not to share them (with people who care about our wellbeing) we are doing ourselves and others a great disservice. Knowing that someone else has experienced the same heartache as you can bring so much comfort. Comfort for the other person as well as yourself just knowing that you are not alone. In my experience the other person always has insight that you did not have before. It can be one of the most cathartic experiences toward moving forward.
You may have noticed that comment about my having a therapist. All I can say is that humans are made to be social creatures for a reason. We need each other to get through this life, and some days we need a professional trained in how to get through it. I can tell you that it is worth every penny to have a person who is literally paid to look out for your best interest. Someone who cannot legally tell anyone about your thoughts (unless they want you to sue the pants off them). Someone who has heard the depths of despair from hundreds of other people and knows how to help them out of it. Even someone not struggling with mental health can benefit from a therapist and can use their session to minor issues with spouses, friends, or coworkers. Giving yourself the time and space to really focus on small issues can make you a much happier and much more productive person. That is a great way to express self-love! We all have something going on in our lives.
So what does all of this have to do with travel? Some travel for fun. Some travel for relaxation. I personally travel for growth. I want to see the world and understand what makes every nook and cranny tick. I travel to gain a more compassionate understanding of the world, its people, and therefore myself. Rick Steves sums up the value of travel amazingly well in this Ted Talk. Adventure makes you stronger, smarter, more loving... it makes you a better person. After learning these lessons in as major of a way as I could this past semester, I truly just want to share some of the moments that felt like great personal growth for me. So here is a glimpse into some of the most transformational moments I experienced in Ireland. I hope that you'll go out and seek these transformations too.
The first stop is Bray, a seaside town just south of Dublin. I was inspired by one of my all-time favorite books to take as many opportunities as possible. I had heard numerous times that study abroad can and will change your life in a big way. So my entire outlook on the semester was to never miss an opportunity to see how Ireland could change me. I took a hike up this mountain despite the fact that I was still exhausted from jet lag. Arriving at the top I felt proud of all the hard work it took to get to Ireland and the fact that everything I was about to do, I volunteered to do alone and for no one else, but myself.
These birds became my symbol of freedom, self-validation, and independence. Moving 3,000 miles away from home to live with complete strangers does not come without its share of difficulties, but these birds were always there for me when I needed them. Their rattling cry reminded me that being disliked is not a bad thing. Rejection from others is my protection from bad relationships.
When I asked my professor Nicole why the angels of Iveagh Gardens have no heads she replied; "sometimes a woman just loses her head." This line inspired my one of my first poems of the semester, which then inspired much more creative writing.
“Sometimes a woman just loses her head,”
Usually about something a man has said,
He clips her dainty wings,
Before her rosy voice has the chance to sing,
In the garden three leaves of oak fall,
Slowly drifting against the ivy wall,
She listens to them turn still,
As her feet forever pause upon the hill,
He said “wait for me, I’ll soon return,”
But he left her for stone, to yearn,
The fanciful breeze flows by swift,
Leaving Angel suffering, lost in her rift.
Sometimes a little self confidence just comes from a first kiss!
The ability to conquer a mountain that I traveled to on a whim with two friends was something I would have written off as undoable five years ago. Now I can safely say I would do it again and again. The mountain in the view (above the ocean) is called Benbulbin, and was covered in rainbows the day we hiked to the top of Knocknarea to see the massive cairn that is mythical Queen Medb's grave.
Sometimes taking a moment to yourself is a good thing. You may be hurting, and you may feel lonely, but you have the power to turn that loneliness into a peaceful solitude.
I took a long solo trip to the south west of Ireland during our long break. Macroom is where my family ancestry comes from. I am the first one to return in over 250 years. It felt like a very sacred visit.
My trip to County Kerry was a very transformational one. I pushed myself to limits I didn't think possible. I biked 33 miles, up several mountains, in the rain, and I didn't even ache the next day! I asked a boy on a date (past me is quaking in her boots). And I left feeling like this was where the real me starts.
I took myself on many dates in Ireland. I needed to prove to myself that I could take care of myself. I can do anything I put my mind to. It hard hard belief to have when you have such loving, doting, parents, but they only want to keep you safe. I took my first ever trip to an Ikea store for one date, ate Churros and listened to a trumpet player in the seaside town of Howth for another, and went to the Decorative Arts/Military History Museum too.
Circumstances and situations became more complicated with COVID-19, travel, family, and friends, but the one thing I promised myself this semester was to not hold back. Follow through on every opportunity, and I am so glad I did.
Just as quickly as I made close friends and had amazing adventures with them, I also felt the loneliness of being away from those I am closest to. I steadied myself as I learned to sit with myself. As an only child I'm pretty used to having to entertain myself, but it's another whole thing to have to sort through every through and decision by myself. I'm glad I forced myself to stick to that new found self-validation technique and did what felt best for me. I have no regrets.
Ireland has made me a stronger, more confident, more compassion person. I can only imagine what Australia has in store for me next week. Yes thats right! In less than one week I will be at the school that I have been dreaming of for over two years! I will be one of only four (yes really four!) American students in Australia this semester. By sheer dumb luck I selected the only school and the only provider who would survive the pandemic and be able to take students to Australia in Spring 2022. After the wild ride that was Ireland, I am hoping to relax and lean into the solitude in what is the furthest country on Earth from my home state.
Remember to bring compassion wherever you go!
What a wonderful post about life's changes! One things is for sure, embracing changes that leads us to insights and growth is a very health place to be. Take care and be safe as you head out for your new adventures!
Wayne